ELUL RECALL NOTICE
Regardless of make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named "Adam" and "Eve" resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed, "Serious Internal Non-morality," but more commonly known as "SIN."
Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Lack of peace and joy
[d] Foul vocal emissions
The Manufacturer, Hashem, is providing factory authorized repair service free of charge to correct the SIN defect. He has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. To repeat, there is no fee required. The number to call in for repair in all areas is PRAYER. Once connected, please upload the burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from Hashem into the heart component of the human unit. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Hashem will replace it with:
Please see the operating manual, TORAH, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made Himself available to all repaired units through a special internalization function called NESHAMAH, enabling direct monitoring and assistance. Repaired units need only make the NESHAMAH welcome and she will take up residence on the premises.
WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposes the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will ultimately result in the human unit being incinerated. Thank you for your immediate attention. Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice. Have an uplifting Chodesh Elul!
Shana Tova Teikatvu VTeichatmu!